Mary, What is Separating you from the coming Messiah this Christmas?

I have found that the stories of Scripture mysteriously grow with us over time. The year our third child was born occurred right at the beginning of the COVID pandemic. This meant we had no idea where, how, or who would be allowed at the hospital during or after the delivery. In the end, only my husband, our baby, and I were permitted, for less than 24 hours, due to safety concerns. During the time leading up to delivery, Mary, the mother of Jesus, and her experience giving birth were ever-present on my mind.

 

I remembered the conditions surrounding Jesus' birth like beacons of hope. Mary had also been separated from family and friends when her child was born. After delivery, she laid Jesus in a manger, implying that the environment was anything but safe or sterile. Her specific time in history was most certainly unknown and scary, for different but familiar reasons. AND YET, with only the three of them: Joseph, Mary, and Jesus, HE WAS BORN! The divinely ordained pushed His tiny human body through the walls of humanity, through the literal blood, sweat, and tears of his mother, and He was released into this world. After years of waiting, under the rule of an unknown entity, and in less-than-ideal conditions, nothing stopped THE LIGHT from entering the world.

 

Years have passed, but Mary came to my mind once again this week.

 

I am struggling this holiday! All the expectations of the season loom like impossible tasks before me. The actual point of Christmas seems altogether lost in a sea of cards, lists, gifts, parties, and various commitments. While I try desperately to make memories that do not miss the markers of perfection advertised around me.

 

And I wonder. Did Mary struggle just like me? As she felt Jesus move in her womb or as she birthed Him from her body, did she struggle to remain connected to the miracle within her? Was she worried about the expectations of her family and friends, while the fulfillment of those expectations was inside her womb? Or did she maybe even forget who He was altogether amid the chaos surrounding her?

 

Curious, I went to the book of Luke, chapter 2, and this is what I found:

• Vs. 1 – a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world SHOULD be registered. *(an actual order went out from the earthly authority that everyone around the world should do _______). This verse indicates Mary knew of the pressing earthly expectations that loom and scream commands at us.

 

• Vs. 3 – and all went to be registered. *(everyone went and did what was commanded of them). So, the expectations weren't just her perception; it was the reality that everyone around the known world was planning and doing the same thing(s).

 

• Vs. 5 – Mary, his betrothed, who was with child. *(she did what she was commanded by her earthly authority WHILE CARRYING THE LIGHT of the world).

 

• Vs. 6 – while they were there, the time came for her to give birth. *(and while they were doing what the earthly authority commanded of them, the time came for what God had promised and planted within her to be birthed).

 

• Vs. 7 – she gave birth… *(In the midst of doing what her earthly authority commanded she "should" do, she did what her heavenly authority told her she WOULD do). (See Luke 1:26-35) One way or another, a baby must be born, and the same is true of what God has spoken/planted. (See Acts 5:38-39).

 

• Vs. 7 - And laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn. *(what was Divinely promised, conceived, and formed found a way, and with no mass audience confirming similar need or prioritizing of space). She and we often birth what God has planted in us in quiet, unknown spaces.

 

She knew. She too experienced the human burden of expectation and mismatching desires, AND YET… God did what He promised in and through her!!!

 

Mary, What is separating you from the coming Messiah this Christmas?

 

For me… it is my fear of missing the mark, being seen as lacking, not enough, and ultimately being rejected.

 

AND YET… I continue reading and see:

• Vs. 10 – Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy…

 

• Vs. 11 – unto you is born… a Savior, who is Christ the Lord!

 

The time He chose to enter this world was AMID all the fear, chaos, and earthly expectations there have always been. The avenue He christened was the birth canal of a woman. The means was in pressing through flesh, fear, a bloody mess, and indescribable pain to lay naked, chest to chest, heart to heart, and breath to breath alongside her.

 

He pressed through what separated them, to be next to her. 

Fear Not Mary, HE COMES!

Easter Morning and the Four Easter Baskets

 

The last time I wrote anything was Nine Pregnancies, Two Sons, and a Mother's Journey toward Easter. It was 6 years ago, almost to the day. Right before our lives imploded and shattered us into tiny fragments. That moment altered us. It altered the entire landscape of our lives.

 

I woke up at 3:46am this morning, not from pain or despair, but a Holy stirring. I don’t fully know what it is yet, but as I sit here, by dim light, I look in amazement at FOUR Easter baskets. FOUR, for FOUR children who will soon awaken with delight, to find their rocks of sin have been removed and replaced with good gifts. Who would have ever thought the last time I wrote, we would have FOUR Easter baskets in our home, much less FOUR children.

 

The last time I wrote anything was right after my last miscarriage. Seven in total. And I told Tim then, I couldn’t, I wouldn’t do it again. 

 

I have always had a manner about me, if it seems good (even if not good for me), I want it. And I will do anything to get it, whatever that “it” is. I will beat myself black and blue trying to make it happen, until, I lay lying on the ground, beaten, almost dying, and then, I give up. 

 

When I finally put all the pieces together that I had been sexually abused, I decided I would give it all I had to get healthy, to get free, and to conquer evil.

 

When it was hard to conceive and deliver a live baby, I just pressed even harder, to quickly move on, and to not let death win. 

 

When we found out a close family member had sexual abused others in the same manner, in the same place, as my own perpetrator… I decided, we as a family, would do it right. Sin would not win. It would not defeat us. I would make it work with healthy boundaries AND relationship intact. I would do it. 

 

So many good things I have fought for over the years. But I did it in my own strength, in my own way, in the power of my own spirit. And it ALWAYS left me black and bruised and dying on the side of the road, breaths from death.

 

The first time Easter became precious to me was almost 20 years ago. It was right after a 3-day trauma intensive, that opened my story up like I had never seen before. After that event, I naively thought I was finished. I was healed. The evil was gone. It had been defeated. But alas, I had no idea, the ripple effects, or the journey I had just begun.  

 

Hosea 2:14-16 says, “Therefore, behold, I will (allure) her and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And THERE I will give her HER vineyards and make the Valley of Anchor (valley of trouble) a door of hope. And THERE she will answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of Egypt.”

 

Trauma has a way of invading the crevasses of your soul and fabric of your life like the smell of cigarettes. It marks what it has been near, and it leaves it’s scent on you. It feels almost impossible to rid yourself of the smell after you have left its presence. It lingers. Unwelcomed. Unwanted. But it stays.

 

It is “almost” a comedy of errors when I think back. Eight years ago, before “the implosion,” I remember, being in a counselor’s office trying to decide if Tim and I, were going to prioritize marriage counseling, in the hopes of helping our connecting ability and intimate life, OR if we were going to focus on trying to have another baby. The two could not be done at once. I will save why for another day, but in my little mind and in the counselor’s mind… one had to be chosen over the other. 

 

I chose the baby. I chose to press forward. I chose my way. I chose the only way I could see to get what was obviously good.

 

Two more miscarriages.

 

*(Let me be very clear at this point, I do NOT, in any way, believe this was punishment from God for choosing to press forward. That is not God. Satan on the other hand, lives for these moments. Satan plants seeds in these moments, because he always preys on the vulnerable, the hurting, the wounded).

 

Death. 

 

Eventually it catches up to you. After my 7^th miscarriage, I was done. I was done fighting. I was done trying. I was beaten. 

 

We had wanted more than 2 children, but that just wasn’t in the cards. We needed to accept more just wasn’t going to be our life.

 

And then… disaster struck. And it struck like a meteor. I am surprised anything good managed to live beyond that moment. Because at this point, I didn’t have a choice. The crevasses of my mind had opened, and the details of my abuse, that I had once only lived in black and white, were now a 3-D movie I found myself as the main character within. I could not find my way out of the movie. The only way out, was through. This time… I had to live it. And live it, WE did. 

 

We laid. Shattered. Muted. In ruins. Lost. Seemingly destroyed. 

 

I say we, because trauma doesn’t just affect the primary victim, it spreads. It spreads until the head of the snake is cut off!

 

Easter is coming! But first, death.

 

Everything in our family stopped. We did nothing, and I mean nothing, but survive. Our life was stripped to the bare bones. We focused only on eating, Tim working, the kids going to school, and me learning to be still, present, and resting. That is, it. That is all we did, for three straight years. 

 

Then, I missed a period. 

 

I was almost 40. We were getting settled into our new normal. We had accepted less than we wanted or thought we would have in life. Not to mention, because of the intense trauma work I had been doing, Tim and I were still not regularly having intercourse. So, I honestly didn’t even think it was possible. 

 

I took a test, and I was pregnant. 

 

At first, I was angry. God, is this a joke? I do not want to miscarry again. Plus, I literally gave up on this whole idea. Now, I am too old for it. We are settled. We only have space big enough for the four of us. Why? Why this? Why now?

 

I wrestled with Him for 24 hours, through a Sunday night. I stayed up all night and I knew… I would deliver, this baby, alive. I also knew this baby would be a girl, and her name should be Spirit. 

 

Nine months later, we delivered a live baby girl, named Evangeline Spirit.  

 

What a gift! After all we had been through. NEW LIFE. NEW HOPE FOR THE FUTURE. A sign of life and promise of unexpected GOOD gifts from God. 

 

Then six months later, with an infant, in the middle of a world-wide pandemic, and our plates completely full, I knew God told me we were going to have another baby, a girl, and her name was to be Glory.  

 

I was completely freaked out. This could not be true. A fourth? In my forties? We literally do not have anywhere to put another baby. WHY?!?! I must be wrong. This can’t be true. This cannot be right. 

 

But sure enough, a year and a half later, I delivered another, live baby girl, Elowen Glory.

 

Now here I sit, as the last darkness of night lingers, before the dawn of Easter morning begins. There is much more to this story than I have been able to write, but one line from the last post resounds in my mind, “Just like the empty wine glasses of years gone by, the tomb is empty… BUT WITH JESUS, empty is NEVER FINAL!”

 

If you find yourself alone, lost, hurting, in despair this Easter, may I offer you a breadcrumb of hope? Because of Jesus, today isn’t the end of the story. Because of Jesus, good news is always coming. 

Nine Pregnancies, Two Sons, and a Mother’s Journey toward Easter

I will never forget our first night in the hospital after my son, Shepherd, was born. The room was quiet and dark, everyone else had come and gone, and only his father remained sleeping soundly next to me. My body was flushed with adrenaline, and for the life of me, I couldn’t have drifted to sleep if I tried. It was magical. I could not stop looking at him, holding him, feeding him, adoring him, and holding my breath in sheer amazement that he was alive, and well, and here. He was ours. He was my very own, real live, baby.

Shepherd’s birth was preceded by three unexplained miscarriages. His birth was followed by two more unexplained miscarriages, and then we received the gift of another live birth: our son, Stone. Stone’s birth has been followed by two additional and also unexplained miscarriages.

Life is strange this way. I have noticed, the older I become, the more aware I am of so many agonizingly difficult struggles we encounter: many things seem to happen with no rhythm or reason, and are often accompanied by great pain and loss.

Our most recent miscarriage occurred this week, the week before Easter. I have to admit, my first thoughts were: I cannot believe this is happening right before Easter! This is going to ruin everything. No more cute family picture, because now I am overweight, and with no good reason to be overweight! No more happy, sunny, fun holiday plans, because nothing feels happy, sunny, or fun anymore. And finally, how I am going to pull it together for the children I have, today, in my home?

Which I suppose is why I find myself thinking of Mary, the mother of Jesus, who walked through this week, just like me, over 2,000 years ago. I find myself thinking of the stories woven throughout scripture that reveal the scared moments between a mother, her child, and her loss. I find myself envisioning the mother’s journey in this grand Easter story. How she journeyed with her child as he suffered relational rejection from those nearest him, endured physical torture from those in earthly power, and died in seemingly hopeless defeat. How did she survive? How can I?

Mary’s Story:

Although Mary’s pregnancy did not begin within the cultural norms (Matt. 1:18-25), I imagine the beginning for her, much like any mother, was magical and frozen forever in her memory (Luke 2:19). Angels appearing and foretelling a great and wonderful destiny (Luke 1:26-38), family confirming and exclaiming with joy (Luke 1:39-45), strangers appearing miraculously and speaking aloud what had only been known to her privately (Luke 2:8-20, 25-33).

But as her son grew, I am also certain Mary experienced the typical, but certain realizations of motherhood…

v Her child’s purpose would force her to move into foreign and unknown destinations (Matt. 2:13-15).

v Her child’s purpose would push her past the known limits of comfortable and comprehendible (Luke 2:43-50).

v Her child’s purpose was apart of a greater story, as was her own (Matt. 1:22-23).

v Her child’s purpose would require Him to prioritize His purpose over her and her desires (Luke 8:19-21).

v Her child’s purpose would cause Him to suffer and her to suffer as well (Luke 2:34-35).

v Her child’s purpose was NOT her own (Luke 1:31-38).

No matter how the story unfolded, the word given to Mary, was as true on her best day as on her worst: “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb (Luke 1:42). The Lord is with you… Do not be afraid, for you have found favor with God (Luke 1:28-30).”

I can only imagine, as Jesus hung to the cross, naked and dying, that something must have crossed Mary’s mind concerning the first words her mother’s heart had received from God. I wonder if she questioned herself: did I really hear from God? Maybe I did something wrong? Maybe I made this whole thing up? And yet, she must have also remembered clearly the words, “He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. And the Lord God will give to him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and his kingdom will have no end (Luke 1:32).”

“No end…” And yet he hung, dying! How could this agony and disgrace be the fulfillment of what she had been promised?

As a mother, I am not in the least bit surprised that one of the last remaining faces present throughout Jesus’s suffering was hers (John 19:25). Where else would she have been? But also, how did she remain? I wonder if the same power that produced His human form within her own was also the same force that enabled her to walk with Him and remain present throughout his unthinkable suffering. “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be called holy – the Son of God (Luke 1:35).”

When her son looked into her eyes one last time, before taking his final breath, and said, “Woman, behold your son (referring to John).” And to John, “Behold your mother (John 19:25-27).” Was she able to comprehend, in her shock and grief, what He was saying? Did she resent the offering of another, as a pitiful replacement to her beloved son, or did she receive him as provision, a gift, in the midst of her pain and loss?

And when the tomb was found empty, did she grieve, as a mother would, that her son was gone from this life and the grave, leaving a void as empty as the grave itself? Or did she lift her eyes automatically, with a renewed sense of light and hope, as she remembered the treasured promises she had stored in her heart long ago (Luke 2:19)? Somehow, I imagine, it was a mixture of both. Her human heart aching with the loss only a mother can know, but her spiritual faith knowing, just like the emptied wine glasses of years gone by (John 2:1-11), empty is never really empty with Jesus.

  

What I am learning from Mary’s journey as I move toward Easter.

1.     How my story or my children’s stories begin, continue, or end does not dictate my standing with God or His approval of me.

2.     I am just as “blessed” in human abundance and joy, as I am in heart-breaking defeat and life-shattering loss.

3.     My children’s purposes are not my own.

4.     I can receive provision from God, in the midst of suffering and loss, IF I remain present in pain and am willing to accept something different and new.

5.     My womb is empty, but so is the tomb. With Jesus as the Son of God, empty is NEVER final.

What I am listening to as I journey.

Elllie Holcomb – Red Sea Road, The Broken Beautiful

The Good Wife

I am surprised by my topic of choice, being that I have not posted in almost a year.  But alas, I came across the following video and had a few thoughts, which coincided unexpectedly with the time to share.  So, here goes:

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justintaylor/2012/05/08/this-momentary-marriage-ian-larissas-story/

I don't know that I would ever advise someone to walk the road this woman has chosen in marriage, but by all accounts, it seems this is where the Lord has called her and given her grace to walk.  As I watched her story unfold, I found myself challenged and convicted.  I don't know that I would have the courage and selflessness to love and serve Tim in this way, if he were to have a life-changing accident of this magnitude NOW, much less while we were dating, and then CHOOSE him/his weakness for the rest of my life!  (I only pray I would be strong enough, if ever given the chance).

But for today, the topic got me thinking... How much of my time, attitude, and words are devoted to how Tim should be serving me (harder, with excellence, with a better attitude, without me asking, etc.)?  As opposed to how I could/should be serving him?     

If you are reading along, I imagine we have been fighting similar battles: miscarriage, infertility, job insecurity/searches, general frustrations with life/waiting/wanting, a tendency to see the negative and maybe camp there a little too long, etc.  

This is why I want to encourage you, me, us to SEIZE THIS DAY!!!  (Carpe Diem, if you will:)

We all to often forget, that Satan would love nothing more than to seize this time for us; planting seeds of resentment, bitterness, and isolation, which in time will produce an unwanted harvest...  DON'T LET HIM!!!  (By the way, if you are single and reading this… don’t stop, this DOES apply to you)!!!

I recently read an article written by a mother to her son, one line read, "choose a wife carefully, for she will be the gatekeeper to my relationship with you and my future grandchildren."  I think this statement holds true in more ways than one.  For instance ~ how are you holding the gate of your home closed against Satan AND FOR YOUR FAMILY (or future family)?  For me, it is easy to forget the power I have in Christ and the charge He has given me, not just for myself, but with Tim and for our home.

Proverbs 14:1 says, The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

Marriage is not about making sure another meets your needs OR even making sure we meet all the needs of another.  It is about coming together as a united team and worshiping God as we hold the battle line hand in hand!!!

How are we holding our spouses hands for battle?  Are we encouraging them or tearing them down?  Are we serving them or seeking to be served?  Are we waking up in the morning and seizing the day for our families and homes WITH CHRIST?  If we are single, are we sitting on the battlefield and refusing to fight until our knight in shining armor arrives?

We need to get up, re-focus, and gear up for battle ~ SERVING EVERY DAY!

Today’s Focus:

Jesus Christ.  He is my standard, He is my strength, He is my grace!

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning, and great is HIS faithfulness.” 

Lamentations 3:22-23

How may I serve YOU?

And Jesus said, “Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”  Matthew 20:26-28

Fight as a Team ~ NO Reserve, NO Retreat, NO Regret!!!

“So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset.  So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword.” Exodus 17:10-13

This Past Sunday

This past Sunday, I heard one of the most challenging and encouraging sermons concerning the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel. As you can imagine, every word grabbed my attention. If any of you reading have been struggling with: waiting, infertility, loss, or surrender... Take about 30 min. and listen to the following link.

http://media.northwestbible.org/readlistenrespond_OT/SpeakingToGod.mp3

It will be worth the listen.

Forgiveness and Justice, Two Separate Issues

This past week I read a statement on Facebook that grabbed my attention: “to forgive is to see that you do not desire to have power over the offender (that is, that you do not desire even justice).” I imagine I could stop right here, ask for comments, and fill a page. I suppose the responses would range from thankful, unbelieving, angry, confused, defeated, frustrated, and so on, for much emotion could be wrapped into this one sentence.

Let’s start with the first phrase, which for our purposes we will separate, assuming it was the original and intended thought – “to forgive is to see that you do not desire to have power over the offender.” “To forgive is to see that you do not desire to have power over the offender.” I take this to mean one makes forgiveness their personal responsibility and purpose, even to the extinct as they refuse to hold the offense over the offender. WOW ~ what a powerful, difficult, and often un-attempted task.

We could spend an eternity on the need and freedom of forgiveness (and I intend to address this issue separately within a later post), but what grabbed my attention most was the addition of this statement – “that is, that you do not desire even justice.” Yikes! From a counseling and theological standpoint the attachment of dismissing justice, even the desire for justice, as a part of the complete forgiveness process is alarming. I admit this is unhealthy fallacy has for some time ignited by my personal passion, and in this case leads me to reissue an old quote from my papaw – hogwash!

What I hope to do in this post is present a more balanced and Biblical response to the matter of forgiveness and justice. #1.) Forgiveness and Justice are two separate issues, #2.) Acknowledging our need/desire for justice is not only healthy but reality, #3) Desiring justice is a reflection of God’s character in us.

Terms defined:

Forgiveness - the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

Justice - the concept of moral rightness based on ethics, rationality, law, natural law, religion, fairness, or equity, along with the punishment of the breach of said ethics.

As seen above, one can forgive and cease to demand punishment, while the standard of justice remain broken and in need of consequence. What I mean to say is that one issue does not hinge, connect, or depend on the other. We can forgive an offense and justice seemingly never be granted, while at the same time justice may occur without forgiveness ever taking place. Additionally, while forgiveness may not demand the response of justice, this does not mean that forgiveness ceases to desire justice, and vise versa… one receiving justice may desire forgiveness but this does not mean that forgiveness will ever be granted.

Biblical Reference:

Throughout the book of Psalms, David laments even begs for God’s justice on evil doers (see Ps. 109, Ps. 69:27-28, Ps. 139:19-22). Often in seemingly harsh and ungodly ways, and yet he was referred to as a man after God’s own heart (I Sam. 13:13-14).

Counseling Perspective:

“not to even desire justice” alludes to an idea of dismissing or denying one’s personal feeling or emotional need. Emotional denial may help with surviving the immediate crisis, but it will never lead into moving past pain into freedom.

God knows how you feel and what you need and is able to carry the full weight of your emotions. Just don’t stop short, with vision directed toward the person/place your feelings originated, instead look toward The One who can release you from the weight of these emotions. {The Hiding Place, p. 205 – Betsie saw where I was looking and laid a bird then hand over the whip mark. “Don’t look at it, Corrie. Look at Jesus only.” She drew away her hand: it was sticky with blood.}

Biblical Reference:

The need for Christ’s death on the cross WAS JUSTICE, to erase the desire/need for justice is dismiss the magnitude of our sin, the magnificence of Christ’s sacrifice and redemptive work on the cross, but also part of God’s very character (see Deut. 32:4, “the Rock! His work is perfect, for all His ways are just; a God of faithfulness and without injustice, righteous and upright is He.”) In other words, we cannot only trust God to act justly, but His very essence is just.

Counseling Perspective:

As image bearers of God’s character (see Gen 1:26-27, Col. 3:10, James 3:9), I believe we can conclude that we were designed to also desire justice.

However, a great dilemma unfolds here in that we are only image bearers of God, not God Himself. Therefore, desire justice – YES. Request justice – absolutely. Determine what is just – too great a task. Take justice into your own hands – leads only to greater sin. Release and trust justice into God’s sovereign control and righteous character – the only way we are freed from anger, bitterness, hostility, self-righteousness, and/or entitlement. {The Hiding Place, p. 194 – It grew harder and harder. Even within these four walls there was too much misery, too much seemingly pointless suffering. Every day something else failed to make sense, something else grew too heavy. “Will you carry this too, Lord Jesus?}

So to bring this response to a close, I believe it is not only possible but necessary for one to walk in forgiveness (even release the “right” for justice or recompense to occur) and yet desire justice. Because, forgiveness and justice are two separate issues, acknowledging our need/desire for justice is not only healthy but reality, and desiring justice is a reflection of God’s character in us.

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. ~ Phil 4:8-9

May we NEVER stop desiring justice!